What if you would have known the last time you saw Trae before his death that it was going to be the last time here on Earth? What would you have done?
I know what I would have done… I would have hugged him a little harder, laughed with him a little more and loved on him a little longer.
I often wonder about this. I wonder about a lot and it makes me happy and sad.
As I stood in front of one God’s most amazing creations this morning, I talked to God and I talked to Trae. I do this a lot. It doesn’t have to be on the beach, watching the waves come in. It can be at 11 PM, sitting on the couch watching TV. I look up and I say, “Hey God,” or “Hey Trae.” I just tell them about life and how I feel and whatnot. It is really some of my favorite time anymore.
Anyway, I stood on a windy beach this morning and I talked to God. I told Him how I was feeling and that I am trying not to get mad. I told him about life since Trae is gone, even though He already knows. I told Him to say hi to Trae and tell him I missed him. I firmly believe that God will deliver that message to Trae every time I ask! I tried so hard to read my bible but the wind kept blowing my pages crazy!
I cried. That’s normal. I was constantly reminded this weekend of two things:
- Trae’s love for the beach
- God’s love for me
One of the last times I went to Ocean City was with Trae and friends. We made a day trip. BTW One of the longest day trips EVER! We left early in the morning and came home that evening. We spent time in the ocean and on the Boardwalk. It was a great day and I loved every minute of it!
This weekend was a constant reminder of that weekend. I felt like something was missing. I know it was you. Not that you had to be there, but you have been texting me and telling me you were jealous or something like that! I miss that!
I miss you every day. But by now, that is normal. Missing you is normal and that is life. I pray that God gives me strength and shows me the right ways to go. Life is not easy, but God always helps!
So, this morning, I was standing in front of the sea and thinking about life. I was thinking about being called. I looked up “called” in my bible index and it led me to Matthew. In Matthew 20, it talks about the parable of the workers in the vineyards. “Kaci, what does that have to do with being called?” Well, I’m going to tell you.
In Matthew 20:19, it says, “So the last will be first and the first shall be last, for many are called,but few chosen.”
“For many are called, but few chosen.”
I think I took it differently than the text was saying, but it caused me to think long and deep. This small last half of the verse hit home. There is many ways I am going to incorporate this into life, so hang in there.
- We are all called to Heaven. God is up there, showing us small amazing earthly things that blow our minds. He is up there and He is drawing us in. “Come Home.” He wants us to follow Him and His son into those gates. He is waiting for us. Something that really comforted me right after Trae died is something one of my best friends said. He said, “There is no doubt that Jesus ran out of those gates, picked Trae up, and carried him in.” Like, we get to Heaven and Jesus is so excited that He wants to carry us in and show us around! Trae lived his life so much for God that Jesus was celebrating when Trae arrived in Heaven. We are called to Heaven and if we live our lives righteously, we will get that greeting from Jesus. Then, I think about Trae, whose life was cut [too] short. Trae was chosen, by God to come home. Sometimes that is super hard for me to say! Trae was hand-picked. God looked down and said “I want him.” We don’t know why, and it hurts. But God’s will is God’s will! We try not to argue or complain when He makes His ruling. We keep praying for understanding. God has chosen so many people to come home, not just Trae. We just try to understand and pray for strength daily. “For many are called, but few chosen.”
- Then I think back to Washington a month ago. Jeff was talking at the closing supper about how we were all chosen to experience this tragedy. We [Trae’s family] had always thought about us being chosen to have Trae. But God chose all those kids and families at ACTS to be part of Trae’s life. God chose a lot of people to be part of Trae’s life. God also called people to be part of Trae’s life, whether for a short or long time. I believe God calls people in and out of our lives. “For many are called, but few chosen.”
- God has known us forever. Like, since before we were even thought about by our parents. How crazy and amazing is that?! God has known us and He knows us better than anyone else. Isaiah 43:1 says, But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: I have called you by name; You are Mine.” God called us out. God formed us. God called me Kaci. God’s power is amazing and He constantly makes me stand back and say “Wow God, Wow!” God knew before Trae was even born that on October 26th, 2016 at 9:30 PM, He was going to choose to bring Trae home. It’s hard, but we can’t be mad at God. This was in the plan long ago. “For many are called, but few chosen.”
- God calls us to the waters. God calls us to be disciples. God chooses our paths. “Therefore GO and make disciples of all Nations, baptizing them in the Name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit,” is told to us in Matthew 28:19, which was one of Trae’s favorite verses. God’s calls us to GO. He wants us to share the call with others. “The place God calls you to is where your gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” [Fredrick Buechner] “For many are called, but few chosen.”
This morning, after I finished my freezing cold walk on the beach, I posted this [below] on Instagram and Facebook.I was with a friend last week for lunch. She shared with me that she has had struggled with her every day time with God in the past, which is always a struggle for me as well unfortunately. She shared that it has become a priority and that her life has felt better and happier since she has taken time to spend with God every day! Spending time with God every day will make us happier and yearn for more time with Him.
I spent a weekend at the east coast. I spent a weekend with two girls on the east coast and every where I looked, I saw God. We were riding around Assateague Island (where the wild horses are). We rode up the whole island, finding no horses. We were ready to leave. As we drove back, Mariah said, “I’m going to pray that God shows us a horse!” I looked out before the bridge and there was a horse across the way! We were so excited! Meg was so excited. “I’m going to call him over here.” Within minutes, the horse was right in front of us. He just stood there, looking at us… I didn’t get close because it’s a wild horse, but my crazy friends did!
I am the one in the background doing the #mompose at these crazy kids! This morning, as I was standing there, talking to God, a seagull came walking on over and just stood right there in front of me, looking at me. My mom asks God for signs. I have never, but I have been getting them. He sends me signs that He is still here and He is still good!Last week, during worship, we sang “You are Good,” by Bethel.
“I sing because You are good
And I dance because You are good
And I shout because You are good
You are good to me to me”
I wrote a note in my notebook and want to share it. I wrote,
“Despite all of the trials and troubles, despite taking Trae home to Heaven, You are still good. Your love remains steadfast. I will continue to trust You because You are Good & You know what is good for me.”
God, You are good. I will love You. I will trust You. I will follow You. I will be Yours.
The past 81 days haven’t been easy… not even close. But they haven’t been unbearable because I have Jesus. I know Jesus. Never I Have been more thankful for this relationship!
God is going to call us out of our comfort zone, out into deep waters. But God will be there, beside us the entire time, making sure we don’t sink.
Let God call you. Let God lead you. Let God be there in every step!
I have shared this song before, but it is beyond fitting… “You call me out beyond the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail…”
This song has stolen my heart recently.
“Oh, I’m handing over all my fears
Knowing you will meet me here
Fill my heart up with truth
‘Til there’s no room, no room at all
Why do I ever doubt
Even when I’m lost I’m found
Fill my heart up with you
‘Til there’s no room, no room
It’s just you, all you
‘Til there’s no room, no room”
“You are good to me…”