I have spent a lot of time trying to decide on a topic to write about! It has been a whirlwind of thoughts in my mind the past couple of weeks and months. I think about something and I talk about it (to myself) for a while and then forget! I think about something and then remember I already wrote a blog about that!
I have never had writer’s block this bad…
It has been 104 days since Trae went to be with Jesus! It is crazy that it has been that long. Some days it seems like it has just been a couple days. Other days, it feels like years!
The past 104 days have been filled with crazy emotions. One moment good, one moment bad. Taking it one day at a time!
I have spent more time than ever thinking about Heaven. I have spent so much time thinking about what Trae might be doing or what he might be seeing. I have spent time missing him and being jealous of the angels who are with him.
I have spent time wondering how we will go on without him. I have spent time distracting myself so I can just get through a day. I have spent time loving on my family and friends because you never know.
I have spent days in fear. I have spent days waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Every time the phone rings at an weird time or someone who doesn’t call often, my heart rate goes up and I star to freak out! It is not a fun way to live, but it also something that I don’t try to do.
I have spent time talking to God. I have spent a lot of time talking to God. I talked to God in my living room. I talked to God in front of His beautiful ocean as the waves rolled in. I have spent time talking to God about life and Trae and what I am supposed to do.
I have spent time crying. I have spent most Sunday’s in church crying. I have spent evenings, listening to music, crying. I see something that reminds of Trae and I sit and cry and laugh.
I think a lot about the times I had with Trae. I think about the good times and then bad times. I think about the moments we laughed until we cried and our sides hurt! I think about the random dance parties we had and random car karaokes.
I think about those times and I thank God. I thank God for the time I had with Trae. I thank God for every single moment he gave me with Trae because moments and memories are what I have now since Trae is gone. I hold those memories and moments so close and dear to my heart that it hurts and blesses me at the same time.
I am not a super emotion, cry-all-the-time person. I don’t like to cry in front of people. I like to cry at home, alone. But, if I feel like I am going to cry, I am going to cry. I am not the person who can hold in tears. If I am going to cry, I am going to cry.
Most important of all, in the past 104 days, I have spent most of the time loving. Loving God. Loving family. Loving friends. Loving Diesel. Loving places. Loving things. Loving my time with God. Loving the time I had with Trae. Because it’s not about the time I didn’t have with him or won’t ever have with him, but the time that I did get to have with him.
I had a person tell me a couple of weeks ago to make sure I don’t let go of God during this time. This is a time where I need God in my life so much more than any other time in my life. Because I know that the devil is going to try and use my weak times against God. My pastor has been talking about worship recently. He said a couple of weeks ago, “When the devil sees us worshiping, it scares him because it releases power of God.”
Jesus went up to Heaven and sent the Holy Spirit to help all of us at the same time. He sent us the Holy Spirit, so that we would always have a helper. What a comfort that is. How blessed are we..?
Sometimes I wish I had someone walking around behind me recording everything I say… This morning, I was walking around my house, talking to myself, which I do a lot more since Trae died. But, something I said this morning I really liked and now I forget what it was! That is a very frustrating feeling! If I think of it, I will let you know 🙂
Often, even though it seems kind of dumb, I think about “what if…” But as my husband has told me many of times, “Kaci, if God wants you HOME, He is going to take you when & where He wants. Whether you are out there, having fun or being boring, sitting at home.” That’s how he gets me to go on fun adventures.
So often, I let fear drive my life and it makes me crazy! If I trust in God fully and completely with my life, I should have no fear in the unknown. God wanted Trae there, and for reasons I have no idea why. But someday, I will. I trust that God has a plan far bigger than my biggest plans.
God sat up there on the morning of October 26 and He said, even though we didn’t hear Him, He said, “I have to do this. You won’t understand. You will question. You won’t like it. But I have to do this. Some day, you will understand.” Just like Jesus told his disciples in John 13:7 that they would not understand what He was doing at the time, but later they would. I don’t think He was using in the context I am necessarily, but I think it has the same meaning. I don’t understand now, but I think there will be a day when I will.
There is a lot that I look back and realize I took for granted. I think that is one of the many things God wants me to learn from Trae’s death. I think God puts difficulties in our lives for a purpose. We might hate it, but He knows that we will. [God literally blows my mind. I can’t even imagine the amazing plans and things He knows.] I think God took Trae to Heaven with Him and they sit up there and figure out how they are going to teach people things. [I have to imagine Trae helping with God because it gives me peace; you may think I am crazy or weird. I am okay with that] I think God put Trae on this Earth for 20 years for a reason; I don’t know that reason and it hurts like crazy here without him.
There are times where it hits me so hard and I sit there and I cry and my heart hurts! I had never really felt this way before Trae died. Trae told my mom like, three weeks before he was shot, that He had never really had someone close to him die. This was right after a guy from WA was killed in a car accident. I had thought about that before too. No one close to me had ever died. We had been to quite a few viewings and whatnot, but no one close enough to make me feel too much. I can NEVER say that again.
A friend also told us that she humanizes Heaven. We don’t know what Heaven is like and we won’t until we get there, but this advice has given me some peace. Picturing Trae writing on a beach or swimming in a ocean, or climbing a mountain.. whatever it is, it gives me some peace.
Trae had a dream a long time ago. It was about Heaven. Trae always had weird dreams… [like SERIOUSLY weird] Anyway, he had a dream that Heaven was made of cotton candy [ I think it was cotton candy and YUM] and he was skiing on it and there was beaches and whatnot.. not your typical description of what Heaven might be like.. but VERY Trae.ish.
Sorry that is a mumble jumble of thoughts and musings. This is kinda my brain and thoughts for the past couple of weeks and months. Random small thoughts!
I miss you, but I know you are having a blast in Heaven. I talked to a friend yesterday and he reminds me so much of you and he is going to different countries and sharing Jesus with people, just like you did! It was good for me. I love you like crazy and miss you every day, but I am trusting God has a plan for our family that will show us peace and blessing through the pain and tears.
xoxoxo, Kaci ❤