Five months since you took your flight, bub!
Last night was 5 months since Trae went to be with Jesus and I have spent the past five months thinking, crying, missing, grieving and wondering! Thinking about Heaven. Crying tears of happiness and grief. Missing Trae. Grieving Trae. Wondering what he was doing in Heaven. Most recently wondering what God is trying to teach me.
I have spent the past couple of months wondering what God is trying to do in my life and what God is trying to teach me. What is God trying to show to me and my family? What is He trying to get across to us? I firmly believe that God is the best planner and He has a plan for us. We don’t always like or agree with God’s time maybe, but He knows best. That is what I keep trying to tell myself!
My small group bible study with some friends recently decided to try doing a bible study book. So, All 9 of us went to Lifeway and choose a book! We chose David by Beth Moore. It wasn’t my first pick, but I was so excited to start! The bible study is about David,a man with a heart like God’s. The whole bible study is about bringing your heart and forming to be like God’s. At the end of the first video, Beth is talking about our hearts. She tells us to bring our hearts to this bible study. Whether we have it all going right, or all going wrong, bring your heart to Him. “Bring the whole splattered mess.”
That is the whole point, isn’t it? Bring God the whole splattered mess that is your heart or your life.Bring it all before God. He will provide. God knew that I needed that this bible study in my life. If you heart is hurting or broken, do this bible study and heal your heart. I am only one week in and I am loving it.
God is good. He is so good! I have been not really running to or away from God recently. My heart was being harden and I was annoyed. I would get mad and frustrated. I wasn’t trying to be that way, but I would have a good days and then something would happen that was bad and I would be completely defeated! I felt like everything was going wrong around me and nothing could go right. I honestly felt like God was mad at me and I didn’t know what to do or how to change it. Lowell keeps telling me that God is not mad at me and I know that. It just feels like it sometimes when everything is going wrong. I was feeling really low and I didn’t know what to do.
When someone close to you dies, everything is harder. Everything that is just a little hard seems way worse because of the stress and emotions going through you every single day! If you are tired, you cry about everything. If you are sad, everything is sad. If you are mad, you don’t want to be happy. At least, that’s how it is for me!
Friday night, we went to Winter Jam at State College with Church Youth Group. There, with anywhere from 13,000 to 15,000 other people, we let all of our problems go away and we worshiped God together. I listened as Sadie Robertson talked about David and Goliath (Which is my bible study, so I was totally fangirling and had chills) and Tony Nolan say “Whatever you are going through, He can get you through it!” I sang with my whole heart as the whole stadium worshiped God through Crowder’s amazing worship songs! I watched our youth group, lift their hands up to God and give it all to Him. I loved every second of that night! God brought me to that concert because He knew I needed that time with Him. I stand back often in complete AWE of God and how He works!
Newsong was at Winter Jam and they sang one of their new songs and it has stuck with me. It is called ‘I am a Christian’. I will post it at the bottom of this blog post. It says, “I am a Christian and my name is Pilgrim. I’m on a journey but I’m not alone.” We are on a journey, but we are not alone. Newsong actually started Winter Jam, so the band members were doing some of the announcing and whatnot, which I thought was very cool! Eddie Carswell came out and was talking about their merch table and what they had their. He had a girl named Casey ( I assume that’s how it is spelled, but I remember her name because it’s my name) up on stage with him and she had a T-shirt that said “I am a Christian.” They also had bracelets. He explained how they had a set amount for the first couple of shows and in the first night, they sold out of all of them! He said that it was so cool because they really didn’t expect that! But that, because of the times we live in, proclaiming Christianity is more important to people than ever! I, of course, got a bracelet! It’s not that I need a daily reminder of where my faith is set, but I look at this bracelet and I know that I am on a journey, but Jesus is walking before me and leading me home.
God does things in our lives that we don’t understand and we may never understand. It is so hard sometimes to hear how great He is, even though I fully believe it, because of the things He allows. He allowed a man to shot Trae and kill Him. But I also trust God and that He is making things good from Trae’s death.God is our support, our rock, our protector. God is the only one who will get us through the rest of our life.
My parents were in South Carolina all last week and they came home yesterday. So, we were all down there last night. Side note: having my family home is wonderful! Anywho, we were talking about different things dealing with Trae and his death. It is still very hard to think about not having Trae around and hearing that crazy laugh and his crazy ideas, but I am so glad my family is becoming more comfortable about talking about him. For awhile, I felt like I shouldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to upset my mom or dad or siblings. I don’t want them to feel sad. But, talking about Trae will never be a thing we stop doing. I love hearing my sweet babies talk about Trae and him being with Jesus in Heaven. They understand it with a raw, basic understanding which seems easier than how we understand it. I can’t wait to tell my own babies about their Uncle Trae, who was one of the bravest and sweetest people I ever knew. My kids will never know their Uncle Trae personally, and sometimes that is very hard for me to think about. However, they will ALWAYS know of their Uncle Trae because there will never be a chance to not tell them about him.
Spending time with your family is always a blessing. I get very annoyed when people complain about their brother or sister or whatever. I have kinda always been this way,though. We don’t realize how much we take for granted when it comes to our family. Yes, I am not saying my family or any family is perfect. But, think about if you didn’t have them around… Be thankful for the people and the things God sets in your life.
We can take anything for granted. I have been waiting for Spring for so long, and I maybe didn’t seem thankful for Winter, but I was. I am glad Spring is here now. We have to be thankful for whatever season we are in. Whatever God is giving to us at this moment, shouldn’t we be thankful for it? If we are not being thankful for what God is giving us, we are being ungrateful to God for what He has given to us. We always can find something to complain about before we can find something to be thankful for. I don’t know about you, but that’s not the type of person I want to be. I want to be a person who loves God with my broken, but healing heart. I want to be the person who is always thankful for what God has given to me, even if it’s a rainy day when I wanted to be on the beach. I want to be thankful that God has given me the chance to go out every single days and speak life to those who do not know Jesus. Isn’t that the type of person you want to be? God calls us out farther than we want to go because He knows we are capable of going that far; We need to take that leap of FAITH and take the step, full knowing we could fall, but trusting that God will catch us. Everything is beautiful in God timing. He might just be calling us to a season of waiting.. Think about it!
After Trae died, my dad wrote on the dining room window a saying he had found that went with what we were dealing with. I don’t remember it, but I believe that it was the quote I have below. If it wasn’t this exact quote, it was very similar.
At the end, Dad wrote, “Thank You for breaking my heart!” I never understood why He put that. How could we be thankful for broken heart?! But, I am understanding it better. When Trae was shot, God broke our hearts. But, through a broken heart, we are bringing others to Jesus. Through our story, we are teaching others about How great our God is! We were talking about the outreach of Trae’s death last night. Just the amount of people all over THE WORLD that heard about his death and the impact that it made. I shared my story with my one Thirty-One FB group last month, thanking Thirty-One for helping me through this time in my life because they have. I have had something to distract me when I needed distracted! I have been so thankful for God placing Thirty-One in my life. Anyway, a couple of the ladies that saw it were from Yakima County and commented, talking about the impact that Trae’s death had on the whole valley! It is amazing to see and hear the testimony of people who never even met Trae, but heard of him through his passing and have been effected. So, if God would have not taken Trae home, He would not have changed so many people lives. Not that we wanted to lose Trae, but God knew that this is what had to be done. So, even though I would have never asked for it, Thank You Lord, for breaking my heart!
So, finally, What is God trying to teach you in your current season of life?
You would have loved Winter Jam and I wish you could have been there with me. Maybe you were. Thanking you for being brave and amazing and loving Jesus so much. I wish to be just like you. I love you so much and I miss you beyond words!
- One of the sweet girls that was at ACTS with Trae. Her boyfriend was in a car accident the other night and was killed. Please pray for her, his family and her family as they go through this time!
- One of Lowell’s co-workers’ brother died last week from MS. Their dad just died in the past year or two. They have been through a lot. Pray for them too!
“Jesus is with me and He goes before me. Yeah, His love surrounds me; He’s leading me Home.”
Life’s been a journey; I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret. Oh, and You have been my God through all of it.” Colton Dixon was at Winter Jam, too!
“Oh wanderer. come down. You’re not too far, so lay down your hurt, lay down your heart, come as you are.”