Time Marches On..

*I wrote this a couple weeks ago, so if any seems like it doesn’t make sense, I’m sorry. I tried to fix it.

I have been crazy busy and also trying to figure out what to write about and it seems like my mind is so full of thoughts and feelings, but when I go to put them down, my mind pauses and all my thoughts go mumbo-jumbo and nothing makes sense. It is awful when you love to write! I even started a post last week and it is still incomplete. But, as I was folding my laundry this afternoon (which I dislike doing), I was talking to myself (which I do so so so often) and I thought “I should write this down.” So, then I started texting myself… (which again, I do more a lot so I remember stuff) and I sat there and talked and used voice-to-text messaging and it got the main idea of what I was saying.

That first paragraph was seriously just how my mind works… Aren’t we glad we don’t say everything that we think? Thank you God for mind filters! 🙂 I did text myself though and it was long and had to be converted to a multimedia text just to be sent up to the satellites and then right back to my phone!

Recently, I told Lowell that I should write about being content… Then, I realized I already wrote about that! But, I am going to touch on that because I have been needing a reminder of that recently. I think sometimes when everything is changing in our life, we feel unstable and not content, making us want more.

change

How has my life been changing? Good question!

in the past 6 months, everyone has moved… except me. Kala and Aaron moved to PA from Indiana in February. It was the plan for the past year; just took a bit of time to get here. It has been amazing having them here. I love having all my nieces and nephews in the same state! Milo and Carrie lived in mom and dad’s basement, so when mom and dad sold their house, they both had to find new places to live. They did and we moved them in May. We all live now in different houses, which is weird because for so long, we went to one house and everyone was there. Now, we have to plan out when all want to hang out so we can see each other. Saying goodbye to the home that most of your memories were in is very hard. The day after my parents settled on their house, I sat on the floor at the house I was cleaning and wrote an Instagram post and cried.. They weren’t home. So, it’s not completely weird, right?

I have to wake up every day and remind myself that part of my family is forever gone. That sounds kinda like something you wouldn’t forget. It’s not that I forget; it’s just something you don’t want to remember. Some days I don’t think about Trae much. Other days, I think about him constantly. We were on vacation a couple weeks ago and went deep sea fishing. For some reason, I kept thinking about Trae. We went to Florida when we were kids and grandpa and grandma took us deep sea fishing together. Most of the times i have been fishing were with Trae and those moments were brought to me while fishing. There is just certain moments in day to day life where his memories sneak up on me and surprise me. Other days, they are right in front of my face from the moment I wake up until I go to bed at night. When Facebook shows me memories every morning and a year ago today, he said something funny on my Facebook post. I was watching a new TV show the other week and this guys brother had died. He said, “I don’t think of {Brother, in this case, Trae}as being gone. I just feel like he’s on some endless trip around the world.” Honestly, I feel this way more than I should. Trae is not gone; He is just traveling around the world, seeing amazing things and meeting new people. I know that it is not true, but sometimes our own mind is our best trickster.

Those are the two main changes, but there are many small changes too! Life changes every day, but God gives us new chances every day. I have a sign in my dining room that I see every day that says, “365 days, 365  Chances.” I love being reminded every single day that I have a new chance every day to do whatever. I have the chance every day to let God be my guide and show me the way he wants me to go. What a blessing that is! Each of us have the chance every day to let God lead us. Two months ago, Lowell and I got baptized, but that is not when we started letting God lead us in our life. God has always been leading us and we are forever grateful for that.

SO this post is going to be a little chaotic. Just saying. This is most of the part I texted to myself… 🙂

Two months ago, we took a week off and went to Ocean City, New Jersey. We spent a lot of time on the beach. I have always found and been taught by my mama that the ocean is one of the best and most amazing places that you can see and feel God. The beach is one of the few places where I can feel how powerful God is. His presence is overwhelming as you stand there and watch the waves come in and out. You can feel God fill your soul and overwhelm you. That is like grief and love and most of the feelings and emotions go through every day. We feel overwhelmed as love or pain or grief or greed or whatever is consuming us at that moment in our lives. We feel overtook by it. We feel like the waves are flooding over us. But just like a lifeguard, watching the sea, watching over the people on the beach and in the water, Jesus is our lifeguard! With the help of Jesus, we can get through any wave that might pull us under. Now saying that, don’t take that seriously! Don’t go and swim in the ocean and trust that if you get pulled under, God will be there. He might, but take it figuratively.

But like a wave, I want the spirit of God to overtake me and consume me. I want the spirit to move me, to speak to me.. “Kaci, get up and Go! I am in control and I will guide you. Go and be amazing and show people Jesus. Show people me.” God wants us to share Him. God wants us to be the light to the world. If there was one main thing Trae taught me is that we are a light and we need to share it with the world. However, if our light is dim and shady, we are leading people away from the cross. We want to lead people to the cross with our light.

God wants His children to be happy. Sometimes, we feel like we don’t deserve to be happy. Sometimes, we feel like our actions cause bad things to happen. For a couple of months after Trae died, I felt like everything around me was going wrong. I broke my phone. There was other things I broke or that figuratively fell apart and that made me feel like everything was falling apart. But Jesus mends us. Jesus mends our hearts. Jesus mends our life.

My mom spoke at annual meeting and talked about grief. She said that grief is a love story. If there is grief, that means there was love. If there is no grief, there was no love. How miserable would it be to look back and realize that the love was missing and there is no way to mend that fence now . I am not saying I am thankful for grief, but I am thankful for the love I have for Trae.

This post is literally off the wall crazy, here and there right now and I apologize. It is hard for me to think about one thing most days. I love writing and I hope that my mind can focus soon on one thing.

One thing I have learned…

If you can spend your time with your favorite people, doing what makes you happy, you will have lived a good life. Spend time with your family, your friends and your absolute favorite people. We went to the beach in May. We arrived there and barely got our stuff up stairs and two of my best friends arrive. While I was super mad because they surprised me, I was super happy because they surprised me. Find friends who do that for you. Find family who after they have all moved and you suggest moving soon, they say “Heck no. No more moving.” or “Sure, we will be there no matter what.” Find those people and love the crap out of them. Travel with them. Move with them. Gather together with them and just love each other! Just love, because above all, love matters most.

time is precious


Dear Trae,

It is hard to believe that we are almost through 9 months of living without you. I think about you every single day and miss you more and more each day. It pains my mind and my heart to think about just how much I do miss you. This week, I told Lowell that it finally hit me that you are never coming back and I will never again get a big, amazing hug from you. I wish I could go back and soak up those hugs from the past! We never realize how much we have until it is gone and we want it back oh so bad! I wish so bad for one more conversation, one more laugh, one more smile, one more jam session in my car, one more movie watching discussion; one more moment with you! I will hold tight to the promise of eternity with Jesus and you. xoxox


 

This song is my heart! I just love it so much!

AND this song! I love it so much and every time I hear it, I smile and just want those 5 more minutes!

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