This is raw honesty below. Maybe this is a warning…
Basically, these are my thoughts from the past couple months. I hope they all make sense and you can each get something out of this.. These were all written before today and at different times. Bare with me if it is a bit confusing. Just thoughts from my brain…!
Do you know what losing someone you love does to you? It means turning your ringtone on at night, with the thought “If someone has to call I will hear it.” Every night, I do this with another thought about I hate the fact that I do it every night, because I don’t want that call. It means forgetting what you are doing while you are doing it. It means setting down to one project while still in the mess of another. It means sitting at a stop sign for minutes because your mind got to wandering faster than your car was going. It means constantly thinking that a call at a random or late time means something bad. I think I have got accustomed almost to expecting the worst every time. It means a lot of crying and asking why and anger. It means a lot of time being held by my husband while I cry so hard it hurts. It means anger, not just towards God or Saul, but I lash out at others even when I don’t mean to. Unfortunately, my husband is in this category a lot and I try so hard to not take it out on him. He is so patient though and understands that it is not me mad at him, but me taking my anger out on him. I hope he can forgive me as I try my hardest to not do this. It means spending time looking through Instagram or Facebook, just looking at pictures or posts. It means trying to avoid all viewings and funerals because you don’t want or need that reminder. It means crying at the most random times. It means thinking one second you have it all together and the next, completely falling apart. It means lying in bed at night, thinking about heaven so deep that you can’t sleep for hours. It means trying to be brave for my parents and siblings, even though I don’t have to. It means sharing Jesus more and harder than you ever have. When someone dies, living their life for Jesus the way Trae did, you kinda just want to tell everyone about this amazing man we call Jesus.
When I tell people about Trae, I am not looking for a hug or a “awh hunny, you poor thing.” I am telling people about Trae because telling people about Trae, is telling people about Jesus. You cannot tell people about Trae without Jesus shining through his life wholly. Trae’s story is not complete without Jesus. Last weekend, in church, I read the clip from his blog that ACTS printed on a bookmark. He says “after all, you can’t have a good story with the good news.” If your story does not contain the Good News, what the heck are you doing? God is waiting for you to kneel down and look up and say, ” I am here. Take me wholly and love me endlessly and guide me forever.” Jesus wants us and nothing will ever change that. Get your story on track with the good news!
After a travesty happens to you personally, every expected phone call comes with a mini panic attack.. why are they calling me? Is everyone okay? Did someone die? Is someone hurt? my mind can think up a hundred different bad “what ifs” faster than the thought what if they just called to say they missed me and love me comes to my brain.
After the mass shooting in Las Vegas, I was listing to the radio and a radio host who was at the concerts when the shooting started shared a couple thoughts. These are my thoughts from what he said.
Sirius XM radio host Al Skope ask what are we as a society going to do about what has happened? He said I don’t know for sure what we’re going to do but I know it starts with love.
So my question is what are we as Christians going to do to show the world to show the lost to show the oppressed what are we going to do to make them feel loved and make them feel like the option of just open firing on people is not okay. What are we going to do to make those people feel the love of Jesus Christ? What are we going to do to make those people feel like that is not the go-to option. The world has enough tragedy without our own human causes. There are hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes that are trying to tear the world apart and it really doesn’t need the help of a man, but yet there’s people that feel the need to go out and just shoot and kill and we don’t need that. So, what are we going to do about this this situation that the United States is in? What are we going to do to show the lost the love that Jesus gives us and lets us shine out daily? How are we going to use us to share the love of Jesus? How are we going to let them see you in me because isn’t that the goal? Isn’t the goal of living a Christian Life to spread the love of Jesus and gain the reward of Heaven? If we’re too scared to share Jesus and give our life for him then can we call ourselves Christians?
Whether we like it or not, as a Christian, we are a disciple of Jesus Christ. We are the people who are supposed to teach the lost, the despair, the depressed about Jesus Christ and his love. We need them to know that they are not alone in this fight. Sometimes, I wonder if just telling someone how loved they are or how beautiful they look or the smallest compliment, can seem huge to someone who does not feel loved in this world. How often do you see people walking down the street and just smiling like everything in their life is going right? Hardly ever do we actually see someone who constantly in their life is going right… It is hard to keep it all together all the time, and we aren’t meant to always have it together. God didn’t design us to be perfect. He provides us with the needs to live the best life we can live as humans. We are only human. I see people trying to live this perfect life and make sure that they look like they have it all together when they really don’t. They look miserable, because in reality, they have years and years of misery under there perfect appearance! I would rather know I have flaws and own them than fake it through life.
When I tell people about Trae, I don’t tell them so that they feel sorry for me. I tell people about Trae and his life and his love for Jesus Christ because it’s a lesson for all of us. Trae love God so much. Trae was in this deep loving relationship with Jesus Christ and he gave up his life for that love. I don’t want when I tell someone that my brother was shot and killed, I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. They always do but that’s not necessarily why I tell someone about Trae’s life. I want someone to hear Trae’s story and come to Jesus or realize how blessed they are or start praying for the first time in a long time. I don’t want people to hear Trae story and look at me and frown and “go oh you poor thing how have you been dealing with this.” I want people to know that they are loved and loved so deeply by Jesus. Even if they think that they have failed him, if they think that they have done him wrong, I want them to know that they are loved and loved by one of the most wonderful people that they could be loved by. Sometimes, people just need to hear that small compliment and that makes their entire day better. I know when someone tells me something, it gives me confidence. It gives me the confidence that I need to keep going for that day. It gives me the little push that I needed to put my head back up and smile. Sometimes, I wonder if people could see how they look when they walk through Walmart or the drug store or at a restaurant. I wonder if they could, see how they look if they would change their live; if they would decide to make a change in their lives because some people just look so sad and so down. Sometimes, we just need to look up and find the Son.
It took me almost 9 months after Trae was gone to realize that I wasn’t handling it well on my own and there was something inside of me that needed some help and I went to the doctor and I got the prescription for anxiety medicine. Just the other day, my husband looked over at me and he said that he could tell that it has been helping. So whether or not I like the fact that I have to be on medicine right now doesn’t matter because I am helping myself by taking one small pill every day. I am helping myself by realizing that there was an issue and I did something about. So often people do either one of two things; they deny that the problem is there completely or they know the problem is there but they don’t do anything to help themselves. That is where our problems are. People who get so delusional from denying a problem, they go out and they shoot someone because they think “oh no one has this problem but me.” “Oh no one has the struggle but me. No one cares about me.” The fact is, if they looked up from their selfishness, they would know that they are loved and that they have people there who love them, who are caring for them, who want the best for them. They would know that but they don’t take the time to look up and realize that and they miss their shot for people to help them because they were only thinking about themselves.
So maybe next time you see someone who looks like maybe they’re down in despair, they’re not sure what their next move might be, maybe we should reach out to them. Maybe we should ask them if they could use some extra prayer. Maybe we should ask them to go get lunch. Maybe we should send them a note telling them just what they mean to you. You never know how small of a gesture can seem so big to one person. You never know how small of a gesture can change someone’s life. Do you want to be a person who helps change someone’s life or do you want to be the person who sat back and watch that person that you love fall more and more in to depression? That choice is up to you.
Me? You won’t find me sitting on the sidelines waiting. You’ll find me, out in the midst of all of the chaos, out in the midst of all of the strife, all of the tragedy, picking my neighbor up; helping them stand again, helping them rise up to be a better person than they’ve ever been before.
Some songs I have been religiously listening to!