There is this new song that I have fallen in love with that is called “I wanna go back” and it has become one of my favorite songs.
It talks about wanting to go back to Jesus loves me, this I know. Back to when things were easier. Back to when you were glad to have neighbor kids to play with. And I think about all the times I would go back to if I could and change my actions or do something differently. But that would also change who I am today.
I think a lot about missed opportunities with Trae. I don’t dwell on them too much because I want to choose to think in the good memories; on the times I had with him because that is what means the most to me. That is what I treasure most, after all! I think about the times I took him for granted because he was my little brother. I think about the secrets he kept for me. I think about the harmonies we would attempt together. I think about the movies we added commentary to. I think about the times we laughed until we cried and I think about the times we cried together.
Trae’s heart was so big that most of the time, if he was crying it was because someone else was hurting and he was hurting for them. I think about the times we spent driving to school together and I think about the lunch table visits I paid to him every day. I think about the times he was helping me with my homework, the nerd.
But then I think about the times when I didn’t go see his track meet. Or I didn’t have the patience to play another game of Monopoly, which for some reason he loved. I think about the way I got annoyed when he would tell on me. I think about when I would get mad at him for no reason. I think about those times when I wanted to jump on an airplane and ride it the whole way to California just to get off and hug him, but I couldn’t. I think about those times I missed with him and it makes me sad.
I think about how I would give so much to go back and not get annoyed at him as much. I think about going back and hugging him so tight he can’t move. I think about how I should have videod all his talks and whatnot because he was so wise and sometimes all I want to do is talk to him because he always knew some kind of answer. I think about how much I miss him more and more every day. I think often how it is not fair, but how it is God’s plan and so I need to be thankful for the time God have to me, which is so much harder than I think! I think about how life is different without him. When we are hanging out as a family, I look around and think about what he would be doing if he was here. He would find some creative, silly way to comfort Graham when his balloon comes off the string and flies up, up, up! He would find a way to make Sophie smile when she is frowning. He would give the perfect hug to mama when she was feeling down. He was always so chill and he passed that through himself to others by his actions. There is no doubt Trae is in Heaven because he treated everyone as Jesus would. He hardly ever got mad and he loved. He loved so much. He loved people and dogs and art and coffee and Jesus. He just loved and that, my dears, is the lesson. Just love. Just love and hug and smile and praise Jesus because he has given you life and he loves you!
Trae was my best friend for most of my life. There is not a day is the past [almost] 10 months that I wish I could hug him one more time. The weekend before Trae died, I was a mess. I spent most of Saturday crying because Mom and Dad were in Washington with Trae and I just missed him so much, it hurt! I cried and cried. Lowell didn’t know what to do with me. The week after Trae died, Lowell informed me that he had looked at tickets to send me to Washington the weekend after Mom and Dad were there so I could go see my baby brother. I was out there that weekend, but not for the reason I wanted to be. God has a funny way of doing things and I don’t understand. But I met amazing people who lives had been touched so deeply by my brother. I am blessed to call each of those sweet people family because of Trae. We may have never been together all in the same room with him, but they are forever my family. I am blessed by them every day! I wish Trae could see the effect to had on so many people and maybe he can. I often find myself mind wandering to what he can and cannot do and what Heaven is like and it excited and scares me at the same time. I don’t know what he can do, but it gives me comfort to think that he can check in on me and my family. My mom sees him in birds and random new fun objects she finds. I find him in music and movies because that is what we related on.
The past year has not been an easy one, that is for sure. There has been so many down on this roller coaster that has been the past year. However, there has also been many ups as well. I don’t like how God’s plan has panned out , but while it continues, I plan to praise him during the storm and during the calm. I tend to praise him when it is storming and call on him more during that season of life, while forgetting to praise him in the high moments too! I am trying to teach myself that I need Jesus just as much in those times as in those down moments. I am so thankful for a Jesus who loves unconditionally! I am blessed more than I deserve. I try hard every day and fail most days.
We had a couple at church this week who are missionaries in Indonesia. In Indonesia, if your family is shamed, you have to do what they call an “honor killing” to regain honor from your people. So, you are killing the man who made you look shameful. Well, one man was shamed and in his way to regain his honor when a man another Indonesian who knew Jesus stopped him and told him about how he was loved so much by Jesus that Jesus already she’d the blood for him. Jesus loves this man so much that he died for him and you and me. This man was so humbled that someone would love him so much that he changed his life. He started thinking about others and about how he could help others and not himself as much. The moral of that story; Jesus saves lives, y’all!
We can spend all day finding things we wish we could go back and change or do one more time. We can spend weeks and months filling out pages on pages of things we wish we could go back and change. But the truth of it all is, we can’t go back. But we can start today as the first day of the rest of our life because it is. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. How will you choose to live it?
Literally LOVE THIS SONG!
My other favorite song right now! Works well since the eclipse was today!