Two years ago today, I woke up, got up and got ready and went to work like every other day. But that day was not like every other day.
Two years ago today, my parents woke up, got ready and went to a court room to come face to face with the man who killed their son, my brother.
Their day was a lot more intense than mine, but I warned my coworkers early on that day that I might be a mess. Just like every other time, they are were so supportive and understanding.
I cannot imagine the pain my parents went through entering that room, but they had so many people there in support with them. I wish on so many levels I would have been there, but at that time, I did not think I could be in the same room as Saul Llamas Rios. I still do not know for sure if the sentencing was this week if I would be able to go. After working with the court system in Yakima Washington for a year and a half since Trae’s heaven day, it was finally here.
As a family, we already knew what was going to happen. 27 years didn’t seem long enough. I wanted that man to be in prison forever. He shot and killed one of my most favorite people. He made one bad decision and killed someone. Someone he didn’t know. He was angry and he acted out on that anger. He killed my brother because he was mad. One act prompted by Satan and Trae was gone. I was mad at this man. I wanted him in that prison cell forever. I believe God can change a person, but my heart was hurt and torn in pieces because of this man’s action. I wanted him to die in that cell. I felt he deserved that. I was mad at him and mad at God.
Two years ago today, I went through every emotion. My great grandmother had just passed away and my parents were in Washington state for the sentencing. after the sentencing, they flew to Ohio for the viewing and funeral. I was worried about my parents. The fear, stress and anxiety that they were facing. My mom doesn’t like to travel and the court room did not make this trip seem anymore fun.
Here’s the thing, if you didn’t know this about my parents, they are two of the strongest and most amazing people I have and will ever know. They walked into that room, knowing the man that killed their son was about to enter. I would have cried on the spot. Maybe they did.
Anyone who wanted, could write a letter that was read aloud in that courtroom. In front of a judge, friends and family and Saul. He heard words from my grandma, Trae’s best friend and myself and my siblings read by another lady for us. A man from the school Trae was at shared. Then my parents got up. My mom read a letter to him. They were not allowed to speak or look at Saul. She looked at the judge, but Saul was listening. His side of the room was empty. No one showed up for this man. Makes my heart hurt for him now. My mom cried. I cannot imagine this moment. My heart aches thinking about it. Watching my parents go through losing the son is got wrenching. It sucks. You never want to see your parents in that kind of pain and I hope you never have to. My mom finished and then my dad talked. All the while, this man sat and listened. He didn’t have a choice, but from what I have been told, he was listening.
The letter I wrote to Saul…
Saul Rios,
I wasn’t going to write you a letter because I didn’t think I had anything nice to say to you and my momma always said if I didn’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Monday morning, I was thinking about the crazy emotional roller coaster that this week would probably bring. I thought about you and I thought about Trae. You didn’t know Trae and it is a shame that you didn’t, because he would have changed your life.
I don’t know if I have completely forgiven you. I still get mad at you. It is hard some days not to be mad at you. Because of a moment a weakness and giving in to the devil, I lost my little brother. I lost most of my faith in humanity. I always knew there was bad in the world, but until it directly affected me, it had never sank in truly.
Being told that my brother had gone to his heavenly home was the hardest thing I have ever had to hear, as I am sure, if you asked my dad, was the hardest thing he ever had to tell any of his kids. It has put me in some of the darkest times in my life. But losing Trae wasn’t a victory for Satan. It was a Victory for Jesus. Trae had lived his life in such a godly manner that his named rippled all over the world. It changed the hearts of many, leading them to their own relationship with Jesus. I hope that one day, it will lead you to that very same relationship with Jesus.
Trae was the person who could light up a room with his smile. He could make anyone feel like they were loved and wanted. He never let someone sit off to the side alone. Trae is my brother, but more than that, Trae made everyone feel like he was their brother. He made you feel wanted and loved. He made sure you knew that he loved you and more importantly, God loved you. He had three major passions
during his short life. God, people and coffee. He had devoted his life to Jesus at a young age and he was not going to let anything stop him from sharing God’s love. If he had a motto for life, it was get up and go. Go share the love of the one who will never not love you.
It’s hard for me to pray for you, but I work on it. I will continue to work on it. My mother in law told me one day that it won’t affect you if I don’t forgive you, but it will affect me. As annoyed as I was to hear that at the time, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed right. So, I will work on forgiving you,
not because I will ever get over the fact of what you have done, but because that’s what Jesus did and I know that that is what Trae would want me to do. He was always telling me to forgive people and love people no matter what. So, even if it takes the rest of my life, I will work on forgiving you. I may have to forgive again and again, but I will work on it.
Please know, God loves you. God loves you now: He loved you when you pulled the trigger. He loves us despite our sin, despite our betrayal, despite it all. In John 3, verse 16 it says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.” So, if you have one choice for the rest of your life, choose Jesus.
This was not an easy thing to write. In fact it was one of the hardest thing I have ever wrote. I was still mad at this man. I was still very hurt and frustrated. I wrote and rewrote and read and reread. It was a long process trying to get my feelings wrote out to be read in front of Saul and a courtroom of people. I did not want to be mean or bitter, but i wanted this man to know how his actions effected me and changed my entire life. I also wanted him to know Jesus and that despite his actions and bad decisions, he was still loved by God.
Two years ago today, this court room had something happen that never happened before. There wasn’t yelling and cursing and anger. There was love and forgiveness. My parents, the letters read and the people who showed up. There was love. Love for this man. Love for my family. Love for the Almighty God. Forgiveness poured out through many letters and the words of my parents. The judge literally said he has never been to a hearing like the one that day.
my favorite people
I have attached the URL’s of some of the news articles about the trial.
https://www.therecordherald.com/news/20180419/familys-path-to-forgiveness
“Hours later, during a video visit with a Yakima Herald-Republic reporter, Rios held up the same small Bible and said he intends to follow the wishes of Trae Oyler’s family.
“I don’t know if they’re going to let me take this into prison,” he said of the Bible that once belonged to Trae Oyler. “I’m going to seek God’s forgiveness.””
My favorite article comes with a video about the trial and my parents and special friends sharing. See the link below and make sure to watch the video. ⬇️
I feel like this is a random blog full of my random thoughts. I hope this can be followed and is not random enough for you guys to understand.
It has been a long, crazy couple of years and I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been there to love and support my family. We have had quite the journey to walk the past couple of years and it has not been easy. With the love and blessings from our friends and family and more importantly, God, we have made it through. We are so blessed and we cannot express it through words. Thank you. Love you all.
I am still working on my feelings towards Saul. I feel that have forgiven him. It is hard for me to think about him ever being out of prison. I have the irrational fear of seeing him once he out of prison in public. I do not know how I would handle that but I know it would most likely not be well. still working on it….
throwback to these babies
Walking In Faith 